Last Post for 2009...........

This is for all my blog friends...........until we meet again next year! I am going on leave today YAY!!

My Christmas wish for you

is not a simple one

for I wish you hope and joy and peace

days filled with warmth and sun

I wish you love and friendship too

throughout the coming year

Lots of laughter and happiness

to fill your world with cheer

May you count your blessings, one by one

and when totalled by the lot

May you find all you've been given
much more than what you sought

May your journeys be short, your burdens light

may your spirit never grow old

may all your clouds have silver linings

and your rainbows pots of gold

I wish you all this and so much more

May all your dreams come true

May you have a wonderful Christmas

And a happy New Year, too ...

May the Good and merciful Lord bless you and keep you safe as you enter 2010!

Animal humour...........

he he he ...................

I think this is so funny! Stock take today and Monday so hectic for me! Hope you all have a wondeful weekend!

I got an award.........

I got this award from "momcat" at truth is stranger then fiction, a very wise and wonderful blogging friend! Thank you so much!

The rules are if you accept the award you need to list six things that people don't know about you and pass it on to six other bloggers.

1. I suffer from insomnia I can go for two weeks or more where I don't sleep for more than two hours a night. I don't like taking tablets to make me sleep, I only do when I'm desperate. It comes and goes in stages, but it is my obsessive thinking about everything that keeps me from falling asleep.

2. I adore my animals I never feel lonely with them around and I always have a dog under foot or on the couch next to me or on my lap. I'd rather be at home with them than anywhere else in the world.

3. I HATE shopping and shopping malls, yeah go figure not a "normal" woman :-)

4. I can knit, I knit very well my mother taught me when I was very young. I knit the most gorgeous aran style Jerseys, fair isle anything and people think it is only for "grannies"....I have even done a tapestry.....

5. I read A LOT always got a book on the go and I prefer reading to watching TV, I also like to pay PC games and can do so for hours, but I like the mind puzzling type of games not action or shooting like T.

I'm going to award this to the following bloggers:

Step Mommy - I have met her in real life she is the sister of a good friend of mine, she is an amazing person and a very "gorgeous"blogger

Dachshund Tails - read the blog what an amazing person!

Martha & Bailey's Mom - sorry girls this award is for your mom but you two are gorgeous too!!

Blue Monday............

We learnt Math all weekend, T and I rarely do homework or learning together, he does it on his own and so far he has done alright at school so I don’t get involved. But he was worried about Math and said he just doesn’t “get it”, they were writing on fractions and angles, funny how it all comes back to you once you start learning it again. He eventually said “I’m really getting it now”….what a relief.

So all prepared for the exam and ready to go we get into the car and it is dead as a doornail. Bloody hell, it is pouring with rain we have 15 minutes to get T to school and the battery finally decided that’s it. I phoned our driver from work, he lives on the other side of town and he rushed over, T was only 5 minutes late which wasn’t a problem as they learn first and write later in the day. This is a bad month financially for me and there I am at work with no money and a dead car. My dear brother deposited money into my account around 12 and I set off with one of the technicians to draw the money and get the car sorted. The ATM gave my card back and said ‘take your cash” it kept saying that (or rather displaying it on the screen J ) but no cash came out. Eventually after standing there and phoning the bank too scared to leave the machine it shut down totally and displayed “this machine is out of service”, I tried the next one but the money was off my account already even though I didn’t get a cent. I had to go to the branch to fill in a claim, only to be told it is a “remote” ATM and it takes up to FIFTEEN business days to get the money back. I was floored, we went home and “kick” started the car pushing it down the drive way, I fetched T from school kept the car running all the time and drove to the battery place. I walked back to work from there and borrowed the R500.00 to replace the battery. All this time it is pouring with rain, I really had a bad Monday and I am now stuck with no money & I am really pissed………………….I really am thinking that I was a very bad person in a past life as the shit just never ends, I was so relieved when my bro gave me the money and only to have shit once again? Do curses really exist?

One more makes 34..............

The bokmakierie is very vocal around my area but I hadn't seen him until this morning. I was marching across the lawn to fill the bird bath and the dogs water and there he was under the trees next to my clivias. I came to a dead halt and just enjoyed him. it was a great sighting as he was so close and he stayed a while before flying off. This isn't my photo but one I got off the net, what an amazing start to the day!

Blasts from the past.................

I know with technology and things like face book, MXIT etc these days it is not unusual to find a lot of your old friends and colleagues. I have located or been located by a lot of people and in some cases people that I was very close to at one or other stage of my life. What does surprise me at times is how much I have missed of their lives and how close we still can be. There are three people in particular that I went to school with, one from Grade one to Grade twelve, and two others in High School only. I have chatted to a lot of old school friends etc over the years and we send a few lines say hi and that is that. But these three special people and I have reconnected and we talk a lot and often and we really share. These are people I grew up with that knew me when I was a kid, and a teenager. We are from all over the world now but our worlds met when we were MUCH younger and now we are catching up on each others lives. It is amazing how much we know about each other but how little. How our lives are all so different but we started in the same place at one stage or another, the memories, the children we have, the tragedies, the triumph's the photos. It is an amazing journey and I am really enjoying it, one D was my best friend for years at school I still have our grade one class photo and many other class photos all the way up to grade 12 (except for 7 & 8 when I was in boarding school) we had sleep overs we rode horses together our parents and siblings knew each other. One B was my best friend in boarding school and we lost contact when I left. The other one was my BF in grade 11, not for long when you are 15 these things don't always last. I want to thank each of you for being back in my life for the laughs we had and still have, for the sharing and caring! I wonder if the universe knows when we need people to come back into our lives for whatever reason? It sure has made me feel good! I spent an hour and a half on MXIT last night chatting to an ex colleague that I was also pretty close too, thanks to him too! It means a lot to know that so many people care and think about me it makes these creeps here at work seem very unimportant and insignificant! Finally thank you to my blogging friends the ones I have never met and the ones that were my friends already! Your caring support and great advice means a whole lot to me! Technology can be a wonderful thing!!

Long time..no post

I worked hard this weekend I did a six and half hour stint on Saturday cleaning and mowing the lawn. I don't "spring" clean every weekend or I would never get time out, I sweep and dust and tidy, but once a month I really go all out and this last weekend was that weekend. It takes it's toll on my dodgy back but it is rewarding never the less and I always feel so good afterwards. I also took some advice that I heard about and went "shopping" in my own home. The decorator was mentioning in these hard times, dress up take your purse and walk around your own home. Picture your treasures and furniture in other locations swap lamps etc. Make changes with your own belongings and give a room a revamp at no cost. Wow what great advice I made some changes in my lounge and my bedroom and the TV lounge. It has made such a difference and I know I will do it again. I am always moving my furniture around that part is nothing new to me, but this time I went deeper into it and it was so much fun. I also think it was good therapy and as the saying goes a change is as good as a holiday.

The garden is coming on really nicely now, I don't know if I ever mentioned that the owners ripped everything out and left me with bare flower beds and only large trees and shrubs. I have been there 8 months now & things are starting to really take off after all the rain. I have flowers and ground covers and a gorgeous lavender bush that my parents bought me, my two baby hydrangeas are flowering, little blooms but flowers never the less, can't wait for them to open. The aggies are also flowering one popped it's bud this weekend.

Last weekend there was a spotted dikkop in my garden( see picture above), they are not common in gardens and it was so exciting. My garden bird list is up to 33 species now and I need to post it here soon. I feed the wild birds every day and many species come only to drink & bath in the bird bath. One of my favorite things is to watch a bird bathing it is so peaceful. My parents who are avid bird watchers and even did a University course on bird watching think it is very amusing that I am so "into" it now. I am not one to go out birding actually I get impatient etc, but bird watching in my own garden is awesome.

This is just not healthy...........

It isn't healthy to smoke, which I took up again since being here, it isn't healthy to drink too much, which I have been doing lately. It also isn't healthy to over eat and eat the wrong things which I have also been doing. Well the results speak for themselves, I'm nice a "chubby" ha ha right fat actually, I am tired all the time and I can't go for two hours without a smoke and I want to climb the walls, though I do force it at times for up to 12 hours at a time.

It also isn't healthy to want to "cry" on a Monday morning because I have to come to work? WTF? I am a big grown up person and I could really just bawl when I have to come here, especially Monday's.

First thing is no more alcohol for a bit because if I have it I have too much, I sleep very well afterwards but it is very fattening and unhealthy! So I'm going on weighless from tomorrow (we get paid today so I can stock up on the right foods). T is joining me so I am sure we will do it! Secondly I am starting to "delay" my fags for as long as I can in between so I can slowly wean myself off like I did 3 years ago. I know that I can't do it all at once, diet, quit booze and fags, but I can start off slowly and take it from there. I am thinking that if I start loosing weight and feeling better about myself I will focus on that and the work situation won't be so bad. I have allowed it to get out of hand, and I need to focus more on my LIFE than my job right now.

wish me luck!!

I'm NARFI.........(no ambition f*ck all interest)

I have got to a stage at work where I'm kind of on "strike" I am merely doing what is in my job description and no more. It isn't like me to be this way and having always been in management up until now I don't like it in other people either. But I go more than the extra mile and I get treated the worst, I know it is jealousy and envy and a lot of things, it usually doesn't bother me because I like to be busy and to use the brains I have been blessed with. But I am frankly "gatvol" (fed up) and since yesterday morning I have taken life very easy at work. I have even said "I don't know" when asked for help, one person commented that he has NEVER heard me say that before. Actually I did know but they getting paid to know and solve and do it so why should I do it? It annoys me that I know more than the managers and have to keep helping them (and they don't make this public knowledge). Behind closed doors they thank me and have even rewarded me with performance bonuses etc. But the rest of the staff don't get to know about it, I am doing the job I want the recognition FFS!! In public they treat me like the other staff members that do just enough to get by, that isn't fair. In actual fact I am often treated the worst and I think it is there way of "putting me in my place" for knowing more and because I am a threat to them? It is an odd contrast to be phoned by a Branch Manager or a Head Office Manager and be treated with respect and as an equal and then sit here all day and be treated like a frikken skivvy. I have even been made the SAP SME (subject matter expert) for my region and they never told a soul or acknowledged this at all.



It has lead to hours of unhappiness and even tears of frustration, I have no respect for these people anymore. I am beyond frustrated and upset. I am loosing my mind and I am drinking too much and eating too much and driving myslef crazy. I know I know get another job, in this small town and economic climate it is nearly impossible to do so. I need to earn what I am earning now, I did go for one interview for a decent position and salary at the opposition, the bastards follwed me and f*cked it up for me. Somebody that used to work here works there now and they called up an told my boss that I was going? WTF?



This is kind of scary for me because it goes against my nature and my ambition for the future. I would gladly go back to Gauteng given half a chance but T doesn't want to go and next year is his last year in Junior School, so I am stuck here.

So I have had a lazy day, I have been collecting money as the debtor's lady is on maternity leave on top of my job I have brought the debtors days down by TEN and collected a lot of old money, but what happens I get treated like crap. So today I am not doing a dam thing. They even gave me an assistant for the last two weeks (after I have been doing three people's jobs for 3 months already) and he isn't even here he went to lunch nearly two hours ago and we only get half an hour...............I rest my case...................

O and in case you might think I am jeapodising my chances I have been promised a promotion THREE times over the last two years and it has never happened,...............so I doubt it!!

My dogs...........

My garden

The yesterday today and tomorrow is gorgeous right now, I took this photo over the weekend but since then many more buds have opened the lilac ones and even a few of the almost white ones are out now, you can hardly put a pin between the flowers and there are still a lot of buds on it! YAY! I can smell it in my bedroom at night and it is one of my favorite ones. I always said one day when I'm "big" I want one in my garden.......there you have it I am blessed in so many ways:

Priorities...........

As Momcat and Brigitte pointed out to me my priorities are starting to change and for the better! I have made good progress this week with my new resolve to give only so much to my job and way MORE to my life itself. I am way more relaxed having so much extra time at home (and those of you who know me well will know that is the place I'd rather be most in the world). I even managed to do half my house work already leaving way more gardening and relaxing time over for the weekend.

It hasn't stopped raining the entire week, the new plants I planted last Sunday are all looking great and my timing for that was excellent. I also tried growing a hydrangea from a slip for the first time ever, I am growing it in a pot of potting soil to give it a good head start, this little plant has taken off so, it has new leaves and shoots already and has doubled in size and that in two weeks. I am so proud of that one. My father brought me some baby clivias and ground covers when I took T last week and those are all happy as Larry after the rain. He is bringing me some more on Sunday when I got and fetch T so I am really filling my garden up now which is excellent. I love my garden and I spend a lot of time there, with my three dogs and the half grown boerboel from next door, the minute he sees me in the garden he peeks over the wall for his daily share of the "love". I have a bird bath and two feeders and we have recorded over 30 species in our garden alone. If I get up a bit late my pair of resident sparrows and the one solitary Cape Weaver shout at me until I get up and fill the feeders. Once they have got me out to do so the other birds all arrive, I spend a lot of early mornings drinking my coffee in the garden watching the birds.

Last night I went out to supper, BIG treat for a single mom, a good friend treated me, but we were disappointed as the food was awful. But the vodka was good and the company so it was a nice evening. I am tired today though and so glad it is weekend. I am only going to fetch T on Sunday so I am having my last day of freedom tomorrow and if the weather has cleared up it will be a gardening day for me as the grass and weeds have grown very well too in the last week.

Hope you all have a great weekend!!

The week that was...........or almost YAY!!

It has been rather a quiet week at work as the schools are closed and a major chuck of our client base is government schools, so when they close we take a break. I had a terrible Monday I got so angry at my boss that I went home and bawled my eyes out, much to the dismay of my three dogs who all cuddled up to me and comforted me as much as they could. It was pure anger and frustration and it was like something "snapped" inside my head. A colleague who was also angry as she had been treated badly too came around and we had a few glasses of wine and commiserated with each other.

We soon cheered up and decided to start ourselves a "supper club", well if two women a BF and a kiddo can be called a club :-). We are going to cook a nice meal once a month, choosing different recipes each time and sharing ones with each other, this way we learn new recipes and we get to have fun doing it. We are very excited and our first "supper club" is next Friday! We all get on well and have a good time when we together so it is something to look forward to!

Tonight I am being treated to supper out by another friend that I have know since we were in high school together. Her other half has gone out of the country for ten days so it's girl time with T being away too. I am looking forward to it!!

Most of the week I have been helping two of our technicians write their online technical exams, it is my sharp eye and quick brain that helps, it is self paced learning with manuals to refer to, but has to be done within a time frame and you have to get 70 - 80% to pass depending on the test. I have amazed the guys already, yesterday a technician and I attempted what they all said was the most difficult test of all and we passed!! YAY for me!! My technical knowledge and IT knowledge has sky rocketed and I am actually very proud of ME!!

On Saturday night a friend and I are having a braai at my place and on Sunday I am doing my 360km round trip to fetch Mister T so he can go back to school on Monday.

A bonus and plus to my head "snapping" on Monday is I have decided to now treat work like a "job" for now, it isn't my "life" it is a "job", so I have been coming in at the proper starting time not half an hour earlier and I leave promptly when it is time to go, I used to work from early to late and go way more than the extra mile. Now I do what I can in the eight hours and what I can't I leave for the next day. I know it is easier this week because we are quiet, but after that who can tell? All I know is I am no longer prepared to work way harder than most and so much over time yet get treated like sh*t. I have returned my office keys as I am no longer prepared to wait for the truck if it is late etc. I am a single mother my priority is my child so now I am doing the right thing and putting him first. My work ethic's wont change I will work hard and use my knowledge and experience and they will have my total commitment between 8 and 430, that is where it will end. I have NEVER felt like this is or done this before I always give a lot to my career and job, but what happened was the final straw. This morning I even got time to clean my kitchen before work and if I can do a little housework every morning I can rest more on the weekends YAY!!

Sleepless nights.............

I have never slept well since I was 11, I have a terribly active mind and I just cannot fall asleep, the result is I spend most of my life tired, o well I am pretty much used to it at this stage but dammit I want to sleep and haven't slept since Saturday night. I have slept on and off but two hour stretches at a time don't really work and last night I had "nightmares" and guess what about? This dam woman here! I'm so proud and I stand up and fight for once and now I have bad dreams? Dreams about her finding out really personal stuff about me and telling people and bribing me etc. Holy cow! I need help dudes!! he he he. O well it will pass I am sure.

BTW I do have medication to help me fall asleep but that often plays on my mind too and then I imagine that I never wake up or that something happens I don't hear it. Which is a load of BS cos the meds simply help me doze off I wake up if there is a noise or T needs me or anything like that and it doesn't make me drowsy, but I am able to fall asleep again if need be and I sleep well. Plus I only take HALF the dosage but what to do about a slightly sick mind hey?

Tomorrow I have a two hour drive to take T half way to my parents (well 40km over half way) and then back again. Boy do I need to sleep tonight! Wish me luck.

I am looking forward to the break, this is my bonus for living far from my family I don't get a break during term time and I don't have back up at hand BUT I get all the school holidays off and while that might sound harsh, a single mom can always do with a break! This morning was a bad start for me cos T didn't go to school but got up extra early and disturbed that holy morning peace that is so important, between him and the dogs running around and playing and making a noise it has made me more tired :-).

So I found my "balls" today..............

I am so proud of myself I stuck up for "me" for once in my life and in a mature and rational manner. I have been at this branch for two years and two months. There is a woman here that has back stabbed and picked on me since the day I got here. She is so bad that the previous Branch Manager even told the MD of the company how badly she treats me. Well I tried long and hard and we came to a working relationship, but this woman gossips about everyone behind their backs and I happened to find out that she was still doing it to me. I don't generally mix much at work, I keep it to business mostly and I keep to myself (this causes people to gossip I know), anyway she sent a rude email to my boss about me and copied me. He called us both into the Branch Managers office and I let them have it. In a cool extra polite manner I explained that I was tired of being spoken about as she doesn't even know me and she has no right to talk about me. I said I was perfectly willing to be polite and business like at work and not allow this to interfere with the working environment but I would have nothing further to do with her except business. I also said she must get out of my face and leave me alone and did not want to hear that she has been talking about me ever again. She tried to deny it half heatedly but I argued that she talks about everyone including me and she kept quiet after that. Both managers called me afterwards and said I did the right thing and it was about time I stuck up for myself.

This might sound like a childish post or a stupid one. But here is the thing, I don't like confrontation & I don't like office gossip, I don't mix at work for that reason. I work very hard and I am very busy I don't even have time for this kind of rubbish. Plus I am mature and intelligent and have a life so I don't need to worry about what others are doing in theirs. I have NEVER stuck up for myself like this before I usually get all upset and stay in my office and calm down, I allow people to walk over me. Not only at work but in other situations too. Today was a MILESTONE in my life. I felt so good afterwards I was shaking with rage, but nobody saw I was angry; I was calm and polite and professional. I have had enough of this BS!!!

12 - stolen from Angel (thanks mate)

1. want: it to be next Friday for various reasons

2. need: to leave the past behind

3. thankful for: my home my family and my friends old and new

4. thinking: I shouldn’t let people hurt or upset me but I keep allowing it???

5. quote: “if you want something you have never had you need to do something you have never done” – Dr Phil

6. watching: my pc screen?

7. lacking: MONEY glory it’s been a long month

8. listening: the rain at last it is raining been awfully hot and humid lately

9. responding: to my colleagues that are making a potjie for lunch, sounds good to me

10. planning: my weekend

11. am: really tired, have taken on extra responsibilities at work and I am so busy it is scary

12. not: emailing my boss my thoughts on some changes being made that he asked me about yesterday OOPS!

School projects...........

T has had a lot of projects this term and we have learnt some interesting things. As I am sure other mom's understand the schools keep giving projects, but a lot of the research and picture printing etc lands on the parent's already full plates. Lucky for me I work for an office automation company so I can scan and print and do whatever I need to at the office. I have Internet access too so it is relatively easy for us to help with these projects, but I do wonder how parents cope that don't have all these benefits?

Today T handed in his project on Tibetan Sky Burials: they had to do a project on rituals or traditions. The sky burial is an interesting one where the body is cut up and the bones smashed and mixed with barley flour then fed to vultures. The Tibetans believe that the birds are angel's and aid the passage of the soul to heaven. I know to some it will sound gross but we found it interesting. But apart from printing some pictures (which are not easily obtained as photography is not encouraged at these burials) and some information I left him to do it. T always does his own projects and he types the information in his own words saves it on his memory stick and I print it for him at work.

BUT..............

A lot of projects are so obviously done by the parents. There is a special section of marks for "own" work and i wonder how these projects are marked? it seems unfair to compare the work of a 12 year old to the work of a 35 - 40 year old parent? Last Friday the grade 6's had entrepreneurs day at school. We were encouraged to accompany them and help them at their stalls etc. I had some business to do at the bank etc so I took a days leave. T and I made chocolate covered marsh mellows and a LOT of water balloons. We also sold cold drink. My child worked hard, he filled ALL the balloons himself, he stood over a pot of melting chocolate and covered his marsh mellows and added sprinkles. We had a simple table with a cloth and sold most of our things. But glory it was an experience, while some other children also had simple stalls and sold simple things, a LOT of the stalls were run by the parents. They were set up like shops & sold expensive and fancy things, they had huge banners and chocolate fountains and were totaly overboard. I can't even begin to explain the contrast between the two sets of children. The ones with fancy shop like stalls were not even selling their own things rather running all over the place while "mommy" did it. T sold his own things and he even worked around the school hawking his wares as did a lot of other children. Now tell me HOW are the teachers going to mark that little exercise?? Who is going to get better marks? The kids that did their OWN stalls and made their OWN things to sell or the others??

Awards..........wow two

I was given the above award by Angel for being a friend as well as a fellow blogger thank you and right back at you!

This is the "satin" award from Martha & Baliey's blog.........The rules are: List 5 details (things, people, features) that make your life “satin” (translates also as “shiny” or “good”). Pass on to 5 other bloggers, I don't know that I have five to pass it on to, but hey grab it and do it if you dare!

1. My son, he makes my life "satin" ................................

2. My animals Abigail, Shadow, Brutus, Thomas (now and then when he is home) and my fish.

3. My family and friends (including my blog friends!).

4. My house I love my home I like to speand a lot of time there.

5. My job, not because I like it but because I have one and I am grateful for that in these trying times :-)

Rabies injection day............

Today is rabies injection day in our area, in Kwazulu Natal SA dogs have to have rabies injections once a year and they are given free of charge by the state vets. They go around to the houses or you can take them to various points to be injected.

Well when the guy dropped Brutus off at my house, he told me the dog won’t have a collar or anything around his neck, he won’t go in the car and he is just an outside “dog”. I was taken aback by this because I don’t treat my dogs like “things” but like part of the family. It was too late to say take him back because he was there already and I couldn’t bare to send him back to his old crappy life. So I put that in the back of my mind and let him into our home and family. He is walking on a leash already he has a cute collar and leash and he follows his little sisters lead and copies them, even T can walk him now. He wouldn’t even let us put a piece of material or anything on his neck at first. He takes a bath the first one was hectic but now he stands in the courtyard and I wash him with warm water and rinse him and he is fine.

He doesn’t like strangers and he is very protective over home and family, I know because two of my visitors have spoken to me over my wall and he has given a warning growl, not tried to bight or anything but just a warning “I’m on guard”, once a person is welcomed into the house and garden he is fine with them. I have also never taken him in the car. So I go home about 10.30 to take this lot to the state vet, open the back door in jumps Mister Brutus, he sat up straight like a human and looked out of the window, he was very excited, but he sat still and off we went little girls in the front seat.

Is he going to bight the poor state vet? That was on my mind all last night because of said warning growls etc. He was a star, he copied his sisters and took his jab (don’t think he even knew he got it) and off we went home, no problem. I originally asked the guy that brought him to me to go with me for this episode as Brutus knows him and I thought he could help me, he had a few dumb excuses, and then he said what time? Then I don’t know because when I brought him to you he didn’t want to get in my bakkie a whole wagon load of bullshit. So I just went ahead alone and did it. I am so proud of myself & my dogs and how much Brutus has changed since we have had him. Just goes to show that they respond to kindness and good treatment!

My one friend always says I’m a dog whisperer……………maybe she is right.

I'm ready for change.............

I have thought long and hard about the last two years and the direction my life has been taking. I was always somewhat career driven and have for most of my career been in management roles which makes this current position somewhat hard to swallow. Not that I am a snob or that I mind being an a "level" with other people I just can't think like a normal employee I think like a supervisor and it doesn't make me popular with the management or the staff. I am professional at work I work hard I find ways to improve things, I change systems etc if they need changing. All the while the managers are taking the credit.

So where to from here? I have been promised a lot of things that never happen, I guess in a way it is my own fault because I assume the roles and do the things even though I don't have the position, I do more than my job spec because I like things to rum smoothly and because I can and know how to. Basically I am being exploited and because I have never been very good at sticking up for myself or selling my strong points I have allowed it to happen.

I am on a big drive to further my career and am applying for positions all over the country I am willing to relocate if I have to in order to get back on track. I have had some really positive calls and feedback and it is boosting my confidence and making me realise that their is life after xxxxxx (my employer). I know times are tough right now but I also know no matter how long it takes this will happen for me and I will get the opportunity I am looking for.

Basically I love small town life but I am not satisfied with my job and career. If I have to give up the life style to get my career back on track I am willing to do so. I wasn't at first but I am now, maybe I can have both, maybe I can't but now I have another option and I am going for it!

More petty crime..............

It was a very wet weekend, T's school had a carnival which started on Friday night and all day Saturday. It was annoying to say the least when his bag and cell phone were stolen at the school on Friday night (eish it doesn't end). I made him take his phone because it was night time and I wanted him to be able to get hold of me if he needed too. Bad call on my part, BUT I also told him that if there was no safe place to leave his bag, phone food etc he should call me to pick it up BEFORE he gets going on the rides etc. Well being a boy and a kid he dumped said bag along with the all the other kids bags and off he went to enjoy himself. Poor kid was very upset and I didn't help by being mad at him at first. In all fairness he is only 12 and who would think your bag out of all of them will get stolen? OK so it's half my fault half his fault and totally the fault of these creeps that can't keep their hands off other peoples stuff. T needs his phone because he stays at home alone from 2 - 4.30 every afternoon and we don't have a land line. I have to go and buy him a cheap phone today and that isn't in my budget at all. I was sitting thinking about all the bad things that have happened and blaming the town etc. When I started thinking about all the times crime has touched our lives and it has been all over this country & it is no use letting it get to us. It is a fact of life here sad but true.

Once years ago I came home from holiday and my place was trashed and things stolen. My car was broken into three times before today (two different cars), I lost that money at the ATM in December, my handbag, the rock against my window. T's bag. It's been petty crime so far and thank goodness we are all fine and nobody was hurt or killed along the way. we survived the other incidents and we will survive this one too. But it sets one back somewhat and makes you so angry that it's no wonder we all begin to hate one another in this country and there is so much unrest and animosity. Times are tough and we are all suffering so when you work hard for something and somebody just "takes" it from you without paying a cent or batting an eye it seems so very unfair.

I mostly try to search for the "lesson" to be learnt in all things that happen and I sometimes succeed, like with T's bag he didn't listen to me and make sure it was in a totally safe place. He didn't listen to me and call me to fetch his phone. He actually often doesn't listen to me and I am hoping that this will open his eyes to the fact that sometimes I am right and I do know what I am talking about. He has apologised but human memories can be short hey? Regarding the other crime related incidents over the years? I cannot say that they have taught me anything at all. I am always very careful where I park my car & take care of my possessions, my cars were both broken into at home in their carports behind locked gates? Since then I have always made sure I have a lock up garage which often means you pay more rent, no lesson has been learnt because it has only made my finances worse.

It is a vicious circle. I don't feel like a victim I am just sad that the crime doesn't stop and that some people say "dam you do have bad luck" I don't want to start believing that one. It will really make me depro if I do, but at what point do you begin to think that you are indeed cursed? I have had nothing but crap for a while now and I am honestly at a lose here? What am I supposed to think? Or maybe I am not supposed to think at all? That would be easier :-). The crimes have taken place over many years except the lst few that have all taken place in the last 7 months. Is crime getting worse and worse or is it my fault in some twisted way?

This is how I feel today............

The past two weeks have been really rough T and I have both had the flu. My Uncle passed away, my financial situation is kind of scarey and work has been hell on wheels. On the bright side I have a friend visiting for a week that I haven't seen in two years and that has been amazing. She is staying until Sunday, it has been one of the best visits I have had ever! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

This is what I'd like to say to some people :-)

Canine humour.............

My 69 (thanks Angel) without a 37...............

1. Are your parents married or divorced? Married 45 years
2. Are you a vegetarian? No ways! I love meat!
3. Do you believe in Heaven? I do but I can’t believe animals don’t go so my heaven has animals or I don’t really want to be there………..
4. Have you ever come close to dying? Nope
5. What jewelry do you wear? Don’t wear any as a rule
6. Favorite time of day? Evening when I get to go home to my family 9T and the fur babies)
7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Yip
8. Do you wear makeup? I do but not keen on it I don’t on weekends mostly
9. Ever have plastic surgery? Nope
10. Do you color your hair? Nope (have once or twice though) it’s very short
11. What do you wear to bed? T shirt and pj shorts usually I don’t feel the cold at night and my little dogs sleep with me so they like built in heaters
12. Have you ever done anything illegal? Yeah I have………………
13. Can you roll your tongue? O yeah and touch my nose with it, got a Loong tongue
14. Do you tweeze your eyebrows? Just tidy them up now and then
15. What kind of sneakers? Nikes
16. Do you still own vinyl? Nope
17. What is your hair color? Blond but it’s got darker over the years got natuaral blond highlights though
18. Future child’s name? There are no more children in my future
19. Do you snore? When my sinus is bad yip
20. If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? The Black Forrest in germany
21. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No live ones J
22. If I won the lottery… Buy a plot and educate my son
23. Gold or silver? Silver
24. Hamburger or hot dog? Burger
25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pasta with a meat sauce
26. City, beach or country? Country
27. What was the last thing you touched? Keyboard he he mouse before that
28. Where did you eat last? In my office
29. When’s the last time you cried? On Wednesday when my brother phoned me to tell me our Uncle passed away
30. Do you read blogs? Yes
31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? Have before
32. Ever been involved with the police? Yip
33. Whats your favorite shampoo, conditioner and soap? Um don’t think I have a specific favorite of any of them, got v short hair doesn’t need much attention
34. Do you talk in your sleep? I have been told I do
35. Ocean or pool? BOTH!! Love swimming!
36. What’s your favorite song at the moment? Don’t have a current favorite actually
37. Hey!!! Where’s the question for#37…
38. What is your favorite colour/s? red, green (but not to wear)
39. Ever met anyone famous? Used to work and party with some of the Sharks players years ago, met Jonty Rhodes once…………..
40. Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life? I believe success is relative and in some areas I have been sucessful, I am a work in progress though
41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Depends on my mood
42. Ricki Lake or Oprah? Oprah
43. Basketball or Football? American kinda question this? Neither
44. How long do your showers last? Til Im clean? He he
45. Automatic, or do you drive a stick? Manual but have driven both
46. Cake or ice cream? Ice cream please.
47. Are you self-conscious? Yeah but not as bad as I was when I was much younger
48. Have you ever drank so much you threw up? O yeah
49. Have you ever given money to a tramp? Yes
50. Have you been in love? Yip
51. Where do you wish you were? At home
52. Are you wearing socks? Yes it’s freezing today
53. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Nope
54. Can you tango? Nope
55. Last gift you received? Wednesday a lovely yellow potted begonia frm my dear fried A when she heard my uncle passed away
56. Last sport you played? Hockey
57. Things you spend a lot of money on? Food and books
58. Where do you live? Kwazulu Natal
59. Where were you born? Gauteng!
60. Last wedding attended? Friends in Pretoria
61. Favorite alcoholic drink? Whisky and beer
62. What’d you do last weekend? Had guests my bro and family brought my son home
63. Most hated food/s? beetroot………….
64. What’s your least favourite chore? Moping floors and weeding
65. Can you sing? No ways!
66. Last person you instant messaged? My friend who is on a greyhound bus on her way here and I havent seen her for TWO years!
67. Last place you went on holiday? Hillcrest
68. Favorite regular drink? Coke light
69. Current crush? Mmmmmmmm pass…………………..

Thomas is home...........

It went well, he is very happy to be home. I kept dog and cat separated, they say to do this for at least 5 days only let them get the scent but not actually see each other.

I am really happy he is home he slept on my bed and purred all night! I really missed that........

Now come on big boys please at least learn to tolerate each other eventually....................

Cat vs Dog.....................

Thomas heathcliffe is fine, he is still residing at our old building and being taken care of by my old neighbour. but she wants to move and so now he HAS to stay at home and he and Brutus have to get along. Easy? I don't think so, I am going to fetch him AGAIN today and take him home for the hundredth time and I don't actually know WTF to do. The dog and the cat do not like each other and even though this is not the reason Thomas roams (he did it long before the dog came) I have to make it work somehow. I have tried introducing them through a cage, I have had to lock one up and let one out at a time I feel guilty about the one that is locked away. I want my cat & my dog both to be able to lie in the lounge at night with us and though that might be a pipe dream that is what I want. I couldn't get a big dog puppy and wait for it to grow up because we needed the security straight away. I sometimes think I shouldn't have got Brutus because of the cat, but if we didn't we would have still been scared and uncomfortable in our own home. Thomas is hardly at home so in a way it is his own fault if he is the one locked up. He is a maniac at night and keeps us all awake wanting to escape etc. I can't make a seven year old cat stay indoors after all these years, he is used to roaming. I wish T was here to help me when I get home today I wish the animals would get along, I wish I could "fix" this....................any suggestions?

A very long & honest post............

Honesty time: I am tired of pretending to myself that this is OK, that I am happy here and that I made the right choice. I have never admitted this to anyone least of all myself, but I am ready to do so now so that maybe I can make changes and make our lives better.

It isn’t all-bad I know that but the bad out weighs the good and it isn’t a good way to live. As a single parent I wanted to be closer to my family and I am way closer T can go there even for short holidays and it doesn’t cost us a fortune and we can be there in three hours, not six and my parents can come and visit. We have a house a nice big house, which we wouldn’t have been able to afford in the city. We have a new dog, he is lovely and he has made a difference to T and is his constant companion and play mate. T likes his school and he is doing all right.

BUT the bad is way more and doesn’t end: Thomas my cat doesn’t live at home anymore, he refuses to stay there, he keeps running away, I have tried everything and I can’t force him anymore. It makes me feel sad and guilty, I am at a point where I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Since I came here I started smoking & drinking again and that has made my finances go for a huge dive and the more I worry about my finances the more I smoke, makes no sense but there you have it.

My job sucks BIG TIME. I was sent a job spec for this position (the then branch manager used to work with me in the city) he offered me a position and he sent me the job spec. When I got here it wasn’t what it had seemed on paper. I was in management before I had a good position & I dressed nicely every day and worked really hard in the office. I got here was stuck in the stores, yes I am the logistics controller, I perform lots of the management type functions that I did before due to my experience and knowledge. I have made a major difference and the managers keep telling me this, I know I do I don’t need them to tell me, but they don’t tell anyone else. They keep this to themselves and I am treated like a ‘store man” here. On top of doing all these functions I have to pack shelves pick stock and work like a skivvy and get treated like one. It is so degrading and beneath me that it makes me cry to even talk about it, I have a dodgy back some days my back gets so sore I can hardly move. I hate it so much it is eating me up inside, I have been for interviews then these people find out (how I don’t know must be the small town thing) and block it, because they say they would be f*cked without me. But yet they allow the rest of the women here to treat me like sh*t and make my life hell. I have been treated with suspicion and talked about and stabbed in the back to the point that Head Office was even told that I am being treated badly (not by me J ). They are a lazy bunch and the minute the manager’s backs are turned they sit together in reception and gossip. I don’t join in this, it isn’t me I still think like a manager and I work and do what has to be done. It is so bad that I don’t talk to anyone here except about work, every change I have made has been treated with suspicion. I am a single mother too I run my own house I have my own car and I am strong, that makes me an enemy I think a threat. They don’t know a thing about my life because I don’t sit and gossip with them. The managers are good to me and reward my efforts and chat to me etc But they also keep promising to make changes and they don’t do it.

I was accused to making some really bad statements about two weeks ago, given the fact that I don’t talk to anyone here it is nothing but a joke, BUT this person accused me of saying bad things about the managers, it could have ended very badly if I wasn’t me and I didn’t have a great working relationship with the managers. It ended up in a meeting with witnesses etc, but they never brought the person forward who is meant to have made the remarks? WTF? Jealousy? Envy? Why?

This and the handbag being stolen and all the bad luck that I have had is getting to me now. I know I am strong and I am not in the wrong here, nobody is perfect but all the men here are good to me treat me with respect and we work well together it is just the women. I can’t do this anymore I can’t pretend anymore I don’t want to be here I don’t want to work here and I don’t actually know what to do about it right now. I just know I have to make changes and fast. I have stopped drinking too much; it wasn’t helping except for some stress relief after work. I am still smoking though; I can’t wear nice clothes because they will get messed up. I can’t be myself because these people are so strange. I used to laugh and joke all day long and be a happy person. Now I am quiet and Conservative and don’t trust anyone, total change and total opposite. I can’t believe this is happening or has happened. It is two years on, some say give it time that is enough time. I have tried everything to fit in here and because I am a threat it isn’t ever going to happen. The women here ruled the roost before I came along they pulled the wool over the manager’s eyes and did whatever they wanted to do. Now they have been shown up and I guess that’s why they are doing this to me?

They gossip if I talk to the manager’s they gossip if I stay for a drink with the guys after work, they gossip that I sit and do nothing all day. They say the most dreadful things about me that you can ever imagine, and being a dumb ass I have tried for two years to overlook all this and to get along with the b*tches. The manager’s at one point wanted to call them all in and tell them to get off my case. But I told them not to fearing that it would make it worse. I am not a coward and have nothing to hide, but these people are dangerous, I know because of the things they say true or not they don’t care. I have had enough now……………………………..

Two years ago...............still makes me want to cry......

Like our friends Martha & Bailey the basset hounds we were also rescue dogs, Abigail (Jack Russell terrier) in April 2006 abandoned & with a rib that protrudes that the vet said was most likely from being kicked. Shadow (Dachshund) in August 2006 from the SPCA abandoned with puppies by her owners when they moved homes. This is what we looked like on our respective first days home: so thin and sad. How truly blessed we are two years on we are happy healthy little girls that get so much love and attention and give so much in return!

Girls it breaks my heart when people are cruel to animals and I am so grateful that the two of you came into our lives and joined our family! Abby chewed through a fence into our garden and into our hearts. Shadow was in her cage at the SPCA and when T sat down on the floor she put her paws on his shoulders and licked his face..........he said "this is the one mom"................you both chose us and we are honoured! How could anyone be so cruel to two such beautiful loving dogs?

Thank you for choosing us to be your family and for all the joy that you give us!!

Lunch time rush hour in down town "smallsville" .....

This really made me laugh. I'm at the robot waiting to turn right and there is a tractor in front of me? With the guy waving to a mate he he. This in the middle of town? A tractor? he he only in a small town hey?

my power animal.................

I got this from Angel's blog, interesting didn't even know there was such a creature!

Home alone.................

T has gone on holiday. I took him half way (180km) on Synday and my parents met me and took him back to their place. There is definatley a LULL in my life right now. Sunday I was so tired, havent driven long distance for a while so after 360km I was bushed and chilled the rest of the day.

We are having a really cold spell right now the birdbath is frozen every morning and I have to break ice to let the birds drink, the wild birds are really hungry right now and eating me out of house and home. I buy them seed and I give them left over bread etc. They shout loudly if I am too late with all this. The dogs are missing T they get a bit naughty in the afternoons, not used to being alone all day as he is there after school usually, I have been visiting them on my lunch break and they are always so glad to see me. Wish everyone was as nice as dogs are hey? Though I doubt the dug up Petunias think the dogs are that wonderful.........


Monday night I went out with my friend to her mothers home, it was her mothers birthday and we had snacks and drinks and I got home at 10.30, was very nice. We sat around the table chatting there we six of us, nice to have just adult conversation and so on for a change. I don't get much of that being a single mom.

Work is so quiet today was our financial year end last month so up to yesterday we were full speed ahead, today everyone is taking it easy. Wish we could be at home taking it easy rather.

A dog sh*t start to the day...............LOL

At 2am we were woken up by T's cell service provider sending text messages about how to get free airtime. WTF? Like you need to know this at 2am? Anyway back to sleep but I didn't fall asleep straight away, active mind thinking about work, school holidays & a friends visit at the end of July. I haven't seen her since I left Centurion so I am very glad she is coming and spending two weeks with us. YAY!

Needless to say when it was time to get up I couldn't manage it, it is freezing here been a dreadful wind for three days already and I lay in bed for 45 minutes before I could force myself up and out. As you all know that is asking for trouble and then the rush began. Coffee, shower make lunches let dogs out fill their water scoop poop etc all in way less time than usual. T was his usual self playing and singing to the dogs and taking his own sweet time to get dressed etc. I was on track and busy getting dressed when he comes down the passage holding his school shoe and heaving............Whats wrong now?

"There is dog sh*t on my shoe".............more heaving.............."How the hell did you manage that?"....................."I don't know but there is dog sh*t on my shoe"..........He marches into the toilet and starts spraying air freshener onto said dog sh*t..............heaving all the time.

"That's not going to work give me the dam shoe".............so there I am outside in the freezing cold with pine gel spray (which has dettol antiseptic in) a scrubbing brush, a small stick (to get those nasty bits in between the patterns on the soles out) scrubbing dog sh*t off his school shoe & we are late already.........YUCK!

T isn't neat or tidy, he dumps his things all over the place and doesn't worry about them until he needs them again. I think he must have stepped in said dog sh*t yesterday when we got home, it was hard and dry and took ages to get off. Despite me telling him every single day to change when he gets home. I scoop poop in the mornings usually as we have a fairly large garden and it takes a while.

He he but it is funny and we got to school on time, thank goodness he is writing his last exam today and then going on holiday. My hands are still frozen though despite coffee at work and the air con.................the joys of kids and animals what would we do without them?

One of "those" days.................

Dam! It is my month end right now, yesterday and today. I am in charge of the meter reading billing for this branch, I don't physically take the meters but I do the exceptions, credits manual billing etc. It is an involved process and especially this month being financial year end. Yesterday was a rough day to say the least and today has been the same, with a few added twists. I arrived THREE minutes late to pick T up from school at lunch time. I stopped at the supermarket to get bread, milk, dog biscuits and a few odds before I fetched him. With things being so rough at work I don't like to leave it until after work and I am bushed by that time anyway. Mr T is safe as houses waiting a few minutes the scholar patrol man doesn't leave until they all gone, there were still children there, he jumps into the car and says "WHY ARE YOU SO LATE"............not hello how you bugger you nought just starts performing. O well almost teenagers hey? So I stop at a stop street kid still mouthing off at me, pull off again and I hear a thud and a terrible squeaking starts. Dammit! I arrive home and climb half under my car in the driveway to see WTF?............Then the dogs decide they have waited for me for long enough to come into the garden and they start a fight. Not Brutus he stood aside all sheepish and innocent shame, the two little girls gave each other a good go. Dachshund versus Jack Russell, the dachshund had the upper hand by the way. So I run away from the car and attend to the dogs, jeez what next? I dump the shopping rush back out and leave to come back to work. I drove around the back of the house around the gym's parking lot and the horrible noise stopped. Must have been a branch or twig or summit thank goodness. The wind is blowing like crazy here today, the dust, leaves, twigs etc are terrible.

So I rush back here to carry on with my month end and the web side of our meter programme is queueing and not pulling through to SAP (our operating system) and so it goes, it is still queueing and it means that I have to be here real early tomorrow morning to fix the last exceptions. Whoo Hoo...............

O well never a dull moment as they say..............

Shhhhhhhh it's a secret

Had a very interesting meeting yesterday with my boss. It seems I am going to be promoted (a kind of big one) and I'm very excited etc. But I know too it is going to cause it here with these people I work with. As those of you who know me well know I work in a small town now with small town people. There isn't a helluva lot of ambition and some of them have been here for years and are in a comfort zone that borders on pure laziness. I was in management before I came here and though I am doing virtually the same job I don't have the title. He is going to put a cat amoung the pigeons and make me his 2IC...............watch this space I can see the feathers flying soon.....................seriously pray for me hold thumbs toes and whatever thanks guys!!

Dogs can wink too

We had a visit from a friend over the weekend she came to meet Mr Brutus for the first time. Armed with treats she made an instant hit with this boy. That must be the reason why he winked at her when she took this photo?

This is one spoilt family member already!

Is it a curse? Is it a hex?

Yesterday I get home after fetching T from school and we have no power. I am not particularly worried as it does go off now and then obviously, when I got home after work we still had no power, so I go into the gym and ask the admin lady WTF? The neighbours all have electricity it’s only us? She tells me the municipality said it will be back on by 5.30 and she doesn’t know why it is off. What a lie that turned out to be after going all night with no power, having no supper, having a cold bath this morning and no coffee, and dragging all my meat to work with me so it wouldn’t defrost I called the municipality myself. Turns out the bill wasn’t paid, now I’m mad as a snake and call Madam Landlady. She apologized many times and said they only paid yesterday and it should be on soon. (She lives in the next town 100km away). Now IF the admin lady didn’t lie to me I would have prepared for a dark night and made arrangements for supper etc. But she did lie and I HATE that. There are tenants in the flat too and they also had to suffer through a dark cold night with no power. Mrs Admin leaves at 5 to her cosy house, supper and hot water etc and leaves us none the wiser jeez!! If she told me she made this mistake I wouldn’t have reported it to her boss, if she told the truth I would have made a plan about supper. After waiting for a while it was too dark to go out and get anything, given the trouble we have had there I wasn’t going to unlock the gate motor drive car out lock it again and repeat this when coming home to a pitch dark property.

Some people!

I was just reading Angel’s blog and I can sympathize with you my friend, I also want my little T-Bone back. This almost teenage version is very rude and moody. He screams at me and throws almost tantrums, which by the way he never did as a little boy. I too don’t like him very much right now and there are some days when I don’t even want to go home after work. I am tired of the attitude and the lip and the disrespect. One minute he is an angel loving and sweet next minute a devil, I don’t know if I am cut out for this either…………good luck to us all!

Spoilt watchdog.............

Hello this is me Brutus. I was an outside dog until I moved in with my new family. Now I sleep inside on the couch so I can protect this new family that I love so much. I am very sweet and I get on well with the little girls Abigail & Shadow (but am a bit naughty with Thomas the cat).

My mom was talking to our neighbour over the wall yesterday and I didn't like the look of him so I stood up with my front paws on the top of the wall and let him know I am "on guard". I have a loud booming bark and he got a shock. My mom was proud of me and she is no longer scared in our home.

I love T, we spend hours playing together and I have made sure he is no longer a couch potato. We are a bit rough and loud but we are boys after all.

My Mom's father calls me "BIB"...................bum in butter LOL! I think that is exactly where I've landed.............

I'm so tired

It is financial year end, work is rough. Home is also way more busy now with new dog. T and Brutus play and rough house a lot, the little girls join in too and it means more to tidy more to clean and more to do. I am glad that all my 'kids' are happy and having a good time but boy I could do with a break. Luckily the grass isn't growing fast anymore so mowing has calmed down and I basically just need to do cleaning and washing, I enjoy cleaning my house, mowing my lawn etc. It normally doesn't bother me much but I really feel like a weekend off right now. I want to lie and read and watch TV and do nothing, or that is what it feels like but I can never just do nothing. I am always up to something and don't really relax very well. The best I can do is go to bed a bit early and read for hours.

I am just so tired right now, it has been a really busy week and it has flown past. I haven't done half the things I wanted to do at home and that is working on my mind.

I have some great photo's to put on my blog but they stole my USB cable (was in the dam handbag) so I cant download them yet and that is driving me crazy!

I went for a haircut last Saturday and had a long chat with the two girls there. We have all read "The Secret" and we are all having a hardish time right now. One of them said it is because we are focusing on the bad and negative and not the good and positive. It makes sense to me so I have been trying to figure out how to be grateful that they stole my handbag and that we were scared after they smashed the window.

I am grateful that it was material things & that we weren't harmed in anyway. I am grateful that when my little dogs went after them they didn't get harmed. I am grateful that it brought us Brutus who is a lovely dog and keeps T busy and happy for hours each day. Kid and dog spend hours playing, rough housing and outside. It is indeed a blessing because I no longer have a bored couch potato on my hands. It is a blessing because big dog loves the little dogs and plays with them too.It is a blessing because we are not scared anymore.

But despite all that it turned my life upside down and to date I haven't had much down time at all................the people in the flat got a dog that is in heat and I had to build a barrier over the precast wall between our gardens because THEIR dog kept jumping into our garden and upsetting my dogs. They are in their twenties leave the property most weekends on a Saturday morning and don't come home until Sunday evening, said dog is seven months old terrified of people and howls like crazy all weekend. I just know it is going to end up pregnant because it jumped over so many times and last Saturday morning jumped over ran into my house and peed on my bed ffs!! All this just has just added fuel to an already raging inferno. Since I built the barrier it has been a bit better because now I only have my own family to deal with. But it took T and I hours to erect it and I was so angry because my dogs didn't jump over once, so once again I was doing something that somebody else should have done.

I think it has just been a rough hectic patch and that is why I am so tired, I know I am strong and capable and responsible but can I get to be a bit irresponsible and take a break now please?

Time to quit..............AGAIN

I was doing so well on my way to “quitting” when all the chaos happened at home and financial year end stock take etc. So my quit basically flew out the window. I let myself smoke and didn’t worry about it too much until this week. Yesterday I went to the pharmacy and got nicorette gum and joined the nicorette “kick back” programme online. My new “quit date” is tomorrow 03.06.2009. They called me just now to see how I’m doing and if I’m ready for tomorrow. What a nice way to start. Last time I went “cold turkey” and I did it for ten months, but I had mountains of support. My Dad sms’d me everyday and I had a quit buddy at work and loads of friends supporting me. So I know how important the support is especially in the first few weeks.

So tomorrow morning when I wake up I have to chew gum instead of smoke. I have to do it this time, financially smoking is ruining my budget and making me suffer and it is a quick way to save a lot of money at once. The medical aid paid for the gum and the quit programme is free so there is no excuse this time. I am a bit nervous that I won’t stick to it but I know I CAN do it.

I also know that it makes you feel amazing, when you quit. I am talking about inside, you feel strong and confident and almost like if you can quit smoking you can do anything……………..I was so proud of myself last time and so many people were very proud of me. I want to feel that way again. I want my clothes and hair to stop smelling of smoke, I want to use the money more wisely; I want to be healthier. I want to feel strong again!! I want my child to stop worrying about my health and to be proud of me for doing it. I only hope I want it badly enough!!

We have a new family member..........

He is boerboel cross and his name is Brutus and he knows his name so I can't change it. This is the sweetest dog you can imagine, he arrived on Saturday after the plastic worked overtime on a kennel.............but he doesn't leave our sides and sleeps on T's bedroom floor. My T has been really nervous since all the nonsense now he has a constant "pack" of dogs following him even when he goes to shower B is on guard. He loves his sisters already and the people in the flat got a dachshund cross that spends the afternoon's with T too, so he has four dogs to play with and he feels way safer. I do too, it has made a huge difference. He is sweet and has a huge voice that scares anyone coming near. I think just the sight of the big kennel outside and the dogs in the garden all day scares them off. I am hoping so anyway. Landlady hasn't done ONE thing to beef up the security so I am glad I went ahead and adopted mister Brutus and did my own thing (I did get her permission). I think it is pretty slack of her to not do anything but that's people for you hey? Now when I garden or hang out washing etc I have a big bodyguard and I've actually started enjoying my garden and house again. It is extra work and he needs training & we are having to introduce dog & cat which is going well baby steps are required though, he had never seen a cat before and Thomas wasn't very impressed but they doing OK now. This weekend all the dogs need a bath and especially the new boy! Anyway time to go to school and fetch T.

It just doesn't stop................

Wednesday evening 20H10 (I glanced at the VCR's clock when it happened) we were watching TV in the lounge and heard a bang and glass shattering. Glory not again? It was my bedroom window and this time I really got the shakes. I phoned the police while standing there looking at the window (it is the small one at the top the "shutter" type) they obviously didn't like me closing it now, so thought they would smash it and stick the branch through. Well they slipped up didn't they? Besides I don't leave anything anywhere near this window anymore so WTF for?? The police were there within 10 minutes and we took a walk around with them. They promised to be in the area up and down all night and they were I saw them several times. It is apparently a "hot spot" area right now. It wasn't a great evening, I had a few glasses of wine, we moved into the TV lounge that has three doors all with security gates on and slept there. I slept very well but I felt like crap all day yesterday, landlady made me contact the glass companies, they fixed the window, she paid. The police said I must leave the dogs outside, they too little they get very protective and are wide awake but they are too small.

Landlady has to come up with some extra security now, the people in the flat and T and I are scared now. She should have done it last time. Some people say O you must move, no frikken ways!!!!! I like my house I just moved I'm NOT going to let these f*ckers chase me away! I might be getting a Boerboel this weekend his owners don't want him anymore he is three. Or I am going to the SPCA to look for a big dog. Landlady is going to have alarm split so that the flat and house have separate controls so we can arm the dam thing, she is dragging her feet she is annoying me, BUT I am NOT going to move out. There is a lady that wants to join the gym that does landscaping she is willing to plant twenty 2m high fever trees with dreadful thorns on around the place where they are getting in, she wants three months free gym is all. So the ladies are working on landlady today!

So yes I am nervous and tired and angry and fed up! But I am NOT being chased away!! Besides I'm kind of excited about the dog (he he typical), and why shouldn't I have a house?

I was robbed AGAIN............

I’m sitting here at work in a semi state of shock. I was robbed AGAIN last night. This time they pushed a long branch through my bedroom window and stole my handbag by hooking it with the branch. We were watching TV at the time the window was closed by latched not locked. The curtains were closed we were at home where you meant to be safe. The dogs went crazy T ran to the bedroom and saw somebody run away; it was too dark to see who or anything. Then he saw the branch thrown on the lawn. Had to cancel all my cards, phone the police and wait for them. My friend came around she drove around the streets to see if they didn’t dump it somewhere. She took us to the police station to get an affidavit because now I don’t have a driver’s license. She gave me money because everything was in my handbag. T finally got to bed at 11.30. I was awake until 2am; I needed a rescue pill they were in my handbag. I had to sit at home affairs for two hours this morning to get a temp ID certificate and apply for another ID book. I had to go to the bank with said temp ID to get a new debit card. I am so tired; I am scared I am fed up. Why can’t people just leave other people’s things alone? Why is this country so riddled with crime? Why did this happen to me again so soon?

On the bright side we fine, my cell phone wasn’t in my bag; I don’t keep any of the keys in my bag. I have been and sorted out all except my driver’s license I have cancelled all my cards. I will get my credit cards back in a week, I have a new debit card. But man I can’t focus on the positive right now. This happen at 18H15, not late at night or in the early hours of the morning at 18H15 ffs!! We have to go back to that house tonight we have to sleep there, we are all alone & tired and scared and generally pissed off!!!

When to cut a “friend” loose??? Advice anyone?

This is a subject that I have mulled through in my head and heart for the last four years at least. I have discussed it with two other close friends and they both say that it is a tough one BUT that this person is playing me and to put it frankly fucking with my mind!

I have a friend that I have had for years and years. This person can be the nicest person on earth and can be very sweet and spoils me at times, makes my life a bit easier etc. BUT and it is a big but this person can also be very horrible and nasty, don’t get me wrong I am 43 years old I know we all have our “days”!! I am no saint and I can also be a miserable wench like the best of them. But this person borders on abusive at times. This person puts me down treats me badly and makes me feel totally rotten at times. Even makes me feel “less” of a person and mother. I know this person has issues and an inferiority thing going on and I can understand that “beating” up on somebody close must make her feel superior and better etc. But I don’t think I need to be anybodies punch bag. I have had my opinions crushed, been belittled had my feels belittled and my mothering skills attacked at times.

I end up avoiding this person and carrying on with my life and then suddenly one day she will come popping back into my life with a gift or a gift for my son. Or do something “amazing” and then I start questioning this whole process all over again, then I convince myself that she is actually a great friend etc, & the cycle starts all over again. She has done wonderful things for me and I do appreciate it a whole lot, but I get very hurt and angry when she is nasty and awful to me and I even start second guessing my choices and myself and I don’t believe this is healthy.

I have discussed this at length with a very close friend of mine and every time “abuse” starts we chat about it, it upsets me. I also sometimes need reassurance that it isn’t my “fault” at times because things can be going great and suddenly she will STAMP on me again. My other friend said once that she doesn’t know how I put up with this behavior and I should think long and hard about whether the friendship is really worth it. My own son has said he doesn’t like the way she speaks to me at times or to him for that matter. I think I am confident enough now to realize that it isn’t me.

Actually I think I have answered my own question by writing this down. It isn’t worth it this person doesn’t deserve my friendship or me. I have so many amazing friends in my life and so much support and love why would I need to be treated badly??? I have spent many hours being really hurt by this behavior and feeling like crap I don’t need this.

Ok so now HOW do you cut somebody like this loose? What if she turns up and does something extra sweet again what happens then?

I have a plan now................

Last time i quit smoking I worked with a plan and it worked because I did quit even though it was only for ten months I did it and I was proud of myself and I know I should never have started again but sometimes it takes more than one try hey? I have been back up to over a pack a day in the 18 months I have been smoking again and I suffer form panic attacks because I smoke and I have been trying to "force" myself to quit and it so hasn't worked so far. But now I am working with a plan like I did before and I am feeling good and optimistic about it. I have already stopped smoking in my car and my bedroom. I only smoke at certain times during the day and I go for long stretches in between smokes. I am working on breaking this habit slowly like I did before and I already smoke at least ten less a day than I was. It is a start and I am way more aware of my habit and what I can do to break it. I don't keep my smokes near me my lighter in different place to the smokes. My child is very proud and supportive and the people that know and understand addiction are too, and of course the ones that care for me. I haven't told many people this time as negative comments always make me depro and I don't need that now. I know that I can do it this time too and my mind is calm now that I have made a positive step towards this quit. I know I will have good & bad days I know it is hard but not impossible. I am well educated about quitting and I have all the knowledge necessary to do it again. I need support and have two quit buddies already that are routing for me. So wish me luck!!