Monday, July 13, 2009

A very long & honest post............

Honesty time: I am tired of pretending to myself that this is OK, that I am happy here and that I made the right choice. I have never admitted this to anyone least of all myself, but I am ready to do so now so that maybe I can make changes and make our lives better.

It isn’t all-bad I know that but the bad out weighs the good and it isn’t a good way to live. As a single parent I wanted to be closer to my family and I am way closer T can go there even for short holidays and it doesn’t cost us a fortune and we can be there in three hours, not six and my parents can come and visit. We have a house a nice big house, which we wouldn’t have been able to afford in the city. We have a new dog, he is lovely and he has made a difference to T and is his constant companion and play mate. T likes his school and he is doing all right.

BUT the bad is way more and doesn’t end: Thomas my cat doesn’t live at home anymore, he refuses to stay there, he keeps running away, I have tried everything and I can’t force him anymore. It makes me feel sad and guilty, I am at a point where I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Since I came here I started smoking & drinking again and that has made my finances go for a huge dive and the more I worry about my finances the more I smoke, makes no sense but there you have it.

My job sucks BIG TIME. I was sent a job spec for this position (the then branch manager used to work with me in the city) he offered me a position and he sent me the job spec. When I got here it wasn’t what it had seemed on paper. I was in management before I had a good position & I dressed nicely every day and worked really hard in the office. I got here was stuck in the stores, yes I am the logistics controller, I perform lots of the management type functions that I did before due to my experience and knowledge. I have made a major difference and the managers keep telling me this, I know I do I don’t need them to tell me, but they don’t tell anyone else. They keep this to themselves and I am treated like a ‘store man” here. On top of doing all these functions I have to pack shelves pick stock and work like a skivvy and get treated like one. It is so degrading and beneath me that it makes me cry to even talk about it, I have a dodgy back some days my back gets so sore I can hardly move. I hate it so much it is eating me up inside, I have been for interviews then these people find out (how I don’t know must be the small town thing) and block it, because they say they would be f*cked without me. But yet they allow the rest of the women here to treat me like sh*t and make my life hell. I have been treated with suspicion and talked about and stabbed in the back to the point that Head Office was even told that I am being treated badly (not by me J ). They are a lazy bunch and the minute the manager’s backs are turned they sit together in reception and gossip. I don’t join in this, it isn’t me I still think like a manager and I work and do what has to be done. It is so bad that I don’t talk to anyone here except about work, every change I have made has been treated with suspicion. I am a single mother too I run my own house I have my own car and I am strong, that makes me an enemy I think a threat. They don’t know a thing about my life because I don’t sit and gossip with them. The managers are good to me and reward my efforts and chat to me etc But they also keep promising to make changes and they don’t do it.

I was accused to making some really bad statements about two weeks ago, given the fact that I don’t talk to anyone here it is nothing but a joke, BUT this person accused me of saying bad things about the managers, it could have ended very badly if I wasn’t me and I didn’t have a great working relationship with the managers. It ended up in a meeting with witnesses etc, but they never brought the person forward who is meant to have made the remarks? WTF? Jealousy? Envy? Why?

This and the handbag being stolen and all the bad luck that I have had is getting to me now. I know I am strong and I am not in the wrong here, nobody is perfect but all the men here are good to me treat me with respect and we work well together it is just the women. I can’t do this anymore I can’t pretend anymore I don’t want to be here I don’t want to work here and I don’t actually know what to do about it right now. I just know I have to make changes and fast. I have stopped drinking too much; it wasn’t helping except for some stress relief after work. I am still smoking though; I can’t wear nice clothes because they will get messed up. I can’t be myself because these people are so strange. I used to laugh and joke all day long and be a happy person. Now I am quiet and Conservative and don’t trust anyone, total change and total opposite. I can’t believe this is happening or has happened. It is two years on, some say give it time that is enough time. I have tried everything to fit in here and because I am a threat it isn’t ever going to happen. The women here ruled the roost before I came along they pulled the wool over the manager’s eyes and did whatever they wanted to do. Now they have been shown up and I guess that’s why they are doing this to me?

They gossip if I talk to the manager’s they gossip if I stay for a drink with the guys after work, they gossip that I sit and do nothing all day. They say the most dreadful things about me that you can ever imagine, and being a dumb ass I have tried for two years to overlook all this and to get along with the b*tches. The manager’s at one point wanted to call them all in and tell them to get off my case. But I told them not to fearing that it would make it worse. I am not a coward and have nothing to hide, but these people are dangerous, I know because of the things they say true or not they don’t care. I have had enough now……………………………..


Martha Basset said...

It sounds like you need a move of job - too much negative energy there!
Life is too short to be miserable and it sounds like you have some pretty small minded women at your work.
Everyone deserves to be happy at their work - it is bad enough that we have to work in the first place but it is colleagues who make life fun!
Good luck. xxx

Beth said...

I am so sorry. Women can be so awful to each other. Instead of building each other up, there are some that are so insecure that all they want to do is tear others down. I am lucky that the women I work with are great but I have been in offices where the women were real b*tches. I don't have an answer for you other than to possibly find another place to work where the energy won't being you down. Hah! I'm one to talk! Good luck to you and know that you have friends out here that have your back.

angel said...

Oy Lulu... I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all better.
~~squishes~~ my friend.

lulu said...

Thanks so much for having my back and caring. That is I think one of the reasons i wrote this post, to be honest to myself AND to get some much needed support. It isn't an ideal time to look for another job but I'm going to have to start. THANK YOU MY FRIENDS!!

angel said...

I've been thinking about this today... after I read and commented, and I wanted to ask if you are still on the happy pills. And if not- then perhaps something light will help you get through the day?

lulu said...

No I gave them up long time ago, they don't agree with me, make me flat line. My doctor here also doesn't really like them so he doesn't encourage it. I have rescue tabs so if I really have a bad one I take them. On a positive note I got a almost descent increase and that lifted my spirits somewhat too. i am feeling better since I wrote this post because I needed to get it all off my chest!