Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sometimes the symptoms are so strong..........


I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder some years ago, it isn’t a major or very bad form it is just there. I have been on meds but I don’t like them they take the “highs” away and you kind of flat line. I do go into some really deep dark places at times and other times I border on insane happiness for no apparent reasons. I tend to get really down about “small” stuff and then I can be really stressed and unhappy to the point where I don’t sleep etc. “Big” stuff on the other hand I handle well or better and remain level headed. Right now the symptoms are really getting to me and I had a rough time with my landlady yesterday she is a bit pushy and she got it into her head to plant all sorts of plants etc in my garden. O well that’s nice enough isn’t it? Except I had a corner of indigenous ground cover with lovely bright flowers that specifically attracts butterflies and we have seen seven different species already, well she had that all that ripped out and planted agapanthus there instead. I love aggies always have but my heart is so sore about the butterflies and it kept me awake last night. See ‘small’ stuff but it upset me a lot and when I got home at lunchtime and discovered this I was really angry and went into a downward spiral.

The other thing I can’t handle is noise, I like the TV sound down low I like to be quiet and peaceful in the mornings when I get ready and I like being alone. It doesn’t always go well: like this morning there is a huge rain spider in my room and she was walking around the ceiling and T kept coming in and screaming and making horrible noises and scaring the sh*t out of me and the dogs and the spider. It gets so bad that I go into a total flat spin and then I forget half of what I have to do and I shake etc. I was at that point and closed the cupboard door on said spider without realizing it was there, now I am feeling bad because I squashed it, I opened the door when I saw she wasn’t on the ceiling anymore and found her there, not sure if she is going to be ok? I then proceeded to forget the dogs collars and then closed my precious dachshunds foot in the gate, was almost on the verge of tears and ready to throttle T and shaking like a leaf once we got in the car. I know I’m not the only person who gets upset about noise and commotion etc and I know it is something that is part of me, but sometimes it’s like I can’t function and I loose it totally, I forget the simplest things and go outside my self then it isn’t cool…….mostly I am fine but sometimes the symptoms are so strong…………

4 comments:

momcat said...

Sorry about your morning Lulu. I also like to be quiet in the morning. My new morning thing is to watch DSTV's McLeods Daughters before the kids wake but it play havoc with my morning routine! I had a landlord like your landlady. He would do garden maintenance on our property and although I didnt mind the grass being cut, I objected to his hack job on the shrubs. I really felt it was an invasion of privacy and if I was paying the rent he should have respected that and stayed off my property. Thankfully I have never experienced that again. Maybe just have a little chat with your landlady. She probably means well but to pull out your newly planted seedlings!! I had a giggle at the though of T scaring the spider. I thought they were immune to screaming children. Sorry you ended up squashing him. I also don't like to harm spiders. I always relocate them if I can. Hang in there - just one day at a time - thats all thats expected of us. Have a good long weekend and relax.

lulu said...

Thanks Momcat and same to you got me some cheap booxe gonna have a releaxing eve!!

angel said...

Thats really a crappy start to your day...
Maybe you should ask your doc about meds that don't flatline you completely? I know I advocate medication- which a lot of people are against- but if its necessary it just is.
Strongs sweetie. Sorry bout your flutterbys...

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