Thursday, May 7, 2009

When to cut a “friend” loose??? Advice anyone?

This is a subject that I have mulled through in my head and heart for the last four years at least. I have discussed it with two other close friends and they both say that it is a tough one BUT that this person is playing me and to put it frankly fucking with my mind!

I have a friend that I have had for years and years. This person can be the nicest person on earth and can be very sweet and spoils me at times, makes my life a bit easier etc. BUT and it is a big but this person can also be very horrible and nasty, don’t get me wrong I am 43 years old I know we all have our “days”!! I am no saint and I can also be a miserable wench like the best of them. But this person borders on abusive at times. This person puts me down treats me badly and makes me feel totally rotten at times. Even makes me feel “less” of a person and mother. I know this person has issues and an inferiority thing going on and I can understand that “beating” up on somebody close must make her feel superior and better etc. But I don’t think I need to be anybodies punch bag. I have had my opinions crushed, been belittled had my feels belittled and my mothering skills attacked at times.

I end up avoiding this person and carrying on with my life and then suddenly one day she will come popping back into my life with a gift or a gift for my son. Or do something “amazing” and then I start questioning this whole process all over again, then I convince myself that she is actually a great friend etc, & the cycle starts all over again. She has done wonderful things for me and I do appreciate it a whole lot, but I get very hurt and angry when she is nasty and awful to me and I even start second guessing my choices and myself and I don’t believe this is healthy.

I have discussed this at length with a very close friend of mine and every time “abuse” starts we chat about it, it upsets me. I also sometimes need reassurance that it isn’t my “fault” at times because things can be going great and suddenly she will STAMP on me again. My other friend said once that she doesn’t know how I put up with this behavior and I should think long and hard about whether the friendship is really worth it. My own son has said he doesn’t like the way she speaks to me at times or to him for that matter. I think I am confident enough now to realize that it isn’t me.

Actually I think I have answered my own question by writing this down. It isn’t worth it this person doesn’t deserve my friendship or me. I have so many amazing friends in my life and so much support and love why would I need to be treated badly??? I have spent many hours being really hurt by this behavior and feeling like crap I don’t need this.

Ok so now HOW do you cut somebody like this loose? What if she turns up and does something extra sweet again what happens then?


momcat said...

You need to just set up a meeting before she does something nice again and starts the whole ball rolling. Have everything listed out that you are unhappy about and tell her that you will not accept that behaviour anymore. If she persists with her hurtful behaviour and then turns up with a gift, just tell her that you cannot accept her gift etc if she is not prepared to change her behaviour. This is just like the wife-beating husband who is always sorry and loving afterwards.

angel said...

Lulu, this friendship sounds toxic. She's abusive and it needs to end.
I too have had a toxic friendship or two, and I dealt with them by simply cutting all contact. I even went so far as to block emails and ignore phone calls.
Its not easy, and for a while I felt a little guilty when I saw messages or missed calls from the person- but I reminded myself what the person put me through to strengthen my resolve.

Beth said...

When your "friend" does something mean or nasty to you have you ever confronted her about it and asked why she feels the need to hurt or belittle you? It would be interesting to hear what her answer is. I think it's time you cut her out of your life. You don't need someone who is giving off that kind of energy. And if your son can see it must be pretty bad. I'm sorry.